It’s funny – everyone says in the last few weeks when you’re pregnant to just “take it easy”, to lie back and watch movies, and read books and enjoy the peace and quiet while you can. I totally appreciate this, but there’s something going on where I just want to do heaps: work on the new blog, get into my A Guide to Old English, nail French once and for all, read, swim, catch up with friends…
Then I hit midday and just want a nap.
After that I spend the afternoon idly wandering around (though yesterday I did head to the airport to meet three of my cousin’s kids, who were in transit for a few hours: we ate ice cream, looked at the big Gandalf outside the Embassy theatre, and went to Iko Iko), drinking cups of tea and wasting endless time on the internet.
It’s been good though. I’m not missing work (in a nice way; I just feel like all my focus is moving on to this next, new thing), not feeling like I’m making a massive personal “career sacrifice” to do this. It feels like the right time: I’m 36, much more calm and philosophical (in general). I think I would have been terrified if I’d got pregnant in my 20s. I was too busy zipping around with my affaires international; doing my own thing, finding my way. It’s good to have lots of experiences that you can look back on, some good, some bad, and at least be able to use them as a reference point for your future decisions. I think I’m finally at that point where I can accept any previous bad behaviour on my part, and just get on with things. Hopefully I can be a wise, relaxed mother.
I’m feeling philosophical about the birth, and everything that comes after as well. We have a birth plan sorted out, but I’m totally ready for that to all change as soon as the labour itself starts happening. I want a natural birth with no drugs (well, maybe some gas, haha), but again, I might get to the point where some sort of intervention is required. So be it. I’m not going to tie myself up in knots about breastfeeding either. I’ve personally seen a couple of friends driven to the point of near-breakdowns due to their difficulties in getting the breastfeeding going. While it’s so obviously a wonderful thing when it goes right, it’s in no-one’s best interest to keep pushing on if it’s causing everyone stress and worry. So – I’m not going to worry about it.
I expect to get very little sleep, to feel nervous, tired, cranky, and depressed – especially in those first six weeks everyone talks about. But hopefully I can keep some part of me a little removed (in a Buddhist sort of way), and keep a bit of perspective. My coping plan is to write in my diary – and possibly here too, if I can manage something that doesn’t make me sound insane – and just be as open and honest with Steve as I can, so we’re not at odds with each other while this other bit of chaos is going on in our lives.
But I hope for: some lovely moments snoozing beside my little one, getting out in the park every day, enjoying Steve being at home with us (he’s taking two weeks’ paternity leave, then another week of leave, and a final week of Wednesdays off for the month after that), and sharing the wee girl with my family and friends.
It’s all very zen, really. It should be amusing to look back on this post in a few weeks after the baby arrives and we’re both completely shattered. Heh.